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It really isn’t reasonable to expect that I could maintain a “full speed” ahead lifestyle, who needs sleep? If you attempt the Work work work and party hard agenda for too long, eventually the wheels come off, and you are stuck laying on the floor trying to re-gather the pieces and in the process falling behind everything you worked so hard to achieve. I am, currently on the floor. It all sort of came crashing down. The combination of limited sleep, not eating, the dehydration, the lack of positive attention to both my body and my psyche. For most people the body gives up first, mine certainly did. Then I wonder how I ended up in an emergency medical center in pain and realizing that I have no one but myself to blame for my condition. (There is nothing terribly wrong with me) nothing that a regiment of strong antibiotics a healthy amount of water a day and some good sleep wont rectify. But likely the most difficult realization was the weight on the scale. My eyes grew wide. I had lost nearly 9 pounds… In one week. I would love to say that this was fat loss, or exercise or healthy diet, but it wasn’t. I should not be losing this type of weight. I should definitely not have dropped that in a week. Day after day I would look at what I was about to eat, take two bites, and be completely turned off. I do not suffer any type of eating disorder, in fact this has happened from time to time in my life and is usually a short spell. Remember “Fat Pants” I could have used 5 less pounds then, but definitely not now. This isn’t healthy. Self reflection means painful realizations, it means slow change, it means sacrifice. My doctor warned me this was coming two months ago. He said, make just one change. You take on too much, what one thing would you be willing to give up to get back some balance and rest? I stared at him blankly as he offered a compromise. How about this? He said. Promise me you will NOT take on one more thing, not for at least 6 months? I smiled politely and nodded. The next day I received an offer to help an author with writing a page on his blog, I excitedly took the position. Fast forward to the prophetic warning of my doctor. So, now I have to be willing to lay in my bed. Literally. I got a call today from a friend, she asked “Why are you not in the office today?” as this is a rarity for me. “I’m sick” I reply. I hear silence on the other end. “What’s that noise?” I immediately stop typing. “You’re WORKING!!!” she scolds. Guilty. This will be a slow and painful change. I will always feel like I am disappointing someone when I give time back to myself. The nighttime is my time, I tell myself mentally. But I always need just one more hour into the night, just 30 more minutes I promise myself, then I will go to bed. Then I end up alone in the wee hours of night, counting in my head the amount of sleep I can still get and be “functional” After a while, functional is no longer healthy. It has become a joke among my friends, a dark joke. They think they can convince me to get more rest, take time to enjoy some small things. They win. Finally. I’m going to bed. Therefore friends, I bid you goodnight, and sweet dreams… X, Leah
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
